Posts Tagged With: love

Friendship isn’t a big thing…

One thing that always overwhelm me whenever I’m having a hard time (and am willing to admit it) is how much love I have in my life. I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of friends, but I do have a few and the ones that are closest to me are so warmhearted and they give so much of themselves.

I’m so lucky to be surrounded by people with so much love to give. Friends that will cry together with me, as well as roll around on the floor laughing till we almost pee our pants. And I will do the same for them. This is something I wish for everyone to have in their life. And it’s not important to collect many of these friends, but to hold on to and nourish those friendships that are true. I know it isn’t always easy. I’ve done the mistake of forgetting to take care of my friendships several times, and so have they. At times it’s easy to get wrapped up in everything that’s going on in your own life, and hard to move outside of ones own bubble. It’s just the way it is. But we always end up with a reminder. Something that bursts the bubble and shows us how important all of the things outside of it really is.

And if there’s one thing the last week has been a reminder of for me, it’s how much love I have in my life. How much I love those dorky and wonderful friends of mine. And above all; how grateful I am for them loving me back.

Thank you for the warm thoughts and wishes, for the shoulders to cry on, the bad jokes, the late nights, the phone calls and the warm hugs. You guys are the best and I love you more than words can say!

Friendship isn’t a big thing – It’s a million little things ❤️

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Categories: I was thinking about, My own writing, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This is the Hurt that I’m Feeling

I didn’t plan on going into my thirties with a broken heart, but here I am. Life takes twists and turns all of the time, and sometimes they hurt. And no matter how right it is, it’s still painful.

I’m turning 30 tomorrow, and I’m not one to worry about age. I don’t really care about that number to be honest. What I care about is where I’m at this very moment. And right now that place is a bit unclear.

On my last birthday, someone very dear to me asked me to define my upcoming year as 29 with one word. The word I chose was “Experiences”. And it turned out that I chose my word well.

My year as 29 was filled with interesting and new experiences.

I stepped out of my comfort zone a lot.

I travelled to new places, and familiar places.

I learned new things, and found new passions.

I met some wonderful people, some I got to know really well. Some I had to say goodbye to.

I fell in love, and I got my heart broken. Not intentionally by that person, but sometimes love just doesn’t work out the way that we want to. And if there’s one thing that will always be the truth, it is that we can’t control who we love, or how much we love them. And every time we go through that, it’s another experience as well. And what I might be most grateful for right now, is the falling. To get to experience to fall completely in love with someone again, no matter how painful it turned out, it was a wonderful reminder. I got to feel something that I wasn’t sure was even possible anymore. And for that I’m utterly and completely grateful! And in time when the healing really sets in, I will be able to cherish that even more than I do right now.

This is the hurt that I’m feeling, but I am not the pain.

This will take time, but that doesn’t mean that time have to stand still.

This is where I’m broken, but the cracks are where the sun will shine through.

For a time now, the hurting and the healing will walk hand in hand, supporting each other when it’s needed. And although a broken heart is a clear sign of an ending, it is also the promise of new beginnings.

I’m going into my thirties with a chapter that has no beginning yet. And it’s time I start to write it. And I think I’m going to start with one word. I have not chosen my word for the next year yet, but I will in time for tomorrow.

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Categories: My own writing, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Did you know that my mom does magic?

I’m very lucky to have a mom that can do magic. Out of something quite small, she can create warmth, protection and love. She works her magic, sometimes for hours on end, and the result is something that no one can experience in the exact same way. Her hands work love into everything she creates. Not only does she do magic, but each crafted spell is a masterpiece and they each last for years. They are wrapped around you and keeps you warm. Whenever I need the warmth of her craft, it’s rarely far away from grasp. And every time I get a hold of it and wrap it around my soul’s shell, I feel a little more at home and a little more at peace. My smile gets a little wider, and any off day gets a little better! 

But my mom doesn’t do her craft just for me. She does it for everyone she loves and cares about. Sometimes she even does it for total strangers as well. But there’s only a few of us who will get the crafted spells with her special mark upon it. 

And whenever I look at it, I feel so grateful and so loved. Thank you mom, for knitting magic and masterpieces! 

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“Made by mom”

 

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Ocean Dreams – POEM

Like a rock out of its place

The waves of life

Tossed her back and forth

Hitting obstacles, cracking open

And then moving on

Until one day she landed here

Embraced by the mountain

So stable and predictable

The waves still came 

But in the crevice she found

Comfort in rolling around

It felt safe to stay there 

As the waves washed over her

Again and again

The mountain and her got

Shaped into something new

A collective shape of comfort. 

She rolled deeper as her edges and cracks

Smoothed over and the crevice

It grew deeper and deeper

But where she first found comfort

Turned into darkness

As she rolled into him

Herself eroded away 

Into an unfamiliar shape

The crevice got so deep that she

Could no longer see the light over the edges

The cracks that should have defined her

Was scrubbed away

And the perfectly smooth and polished shape

Was one she she couldn’t recognise 

She ached for skipping across the water

To once again be a part of 

The unpredictable roll of the ocean

She wanted to be tossed around and hit sharp edges

Crack open again and see what was inside

Learn about her very center

But time had rolled her out of water’s reach now

And so she waits

For the wanderer that will one day 

Catch a glimpse of a smooth rock

Unable to resist 

To pick it up and send it flying 

On the ripples of waves

To the next unknown adventure.

***

©Christina de Vries

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Categories: My own writing, Poetry, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Never Know – POEM

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 There was a genuine fear

Of the unknown

He pushed with one hand

And held tight with the other

Afraid to miss out

Too scared to give in

He wanted answers

That no one could give

He wanted promises

Where none could be made

She kissed the hand

That held on

Opened up his fingers

And slipped away 

When he wasn’t looking

All that was left

Was her whispered words

Now you will never know

                                                                                                                   **

©Christina de Vries

Categories: My own writing, Poetry, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If Only We Could Replace Your Face

When I was about 14 years old, I had a crush on a guy that was my friend. We had som pretty long conversations over the phone, and I could always count on him being honest with me. I don’t remember much from all of the late night conversations we had, but there’s one conversation in particular that I will never forget. It’s the one who broke down my already battered self esteem.

I don’t remember how we got into the subject, but for some reason he told me that he’d overheard some of the guys talk about me. I asked him what they said, and at first he was reluctant to tell me. He did eventually tell me though, and in hindsight I wish he never had.

“The guys think you have a really good looking body, they just wish that they could replace your face.”

My whole life crumbled at that moment. The little self esteem a bullied 14 year old me had vanished. I remember crying in my room after my mom and the rest of the family went to bed. Sobbing as quietly as I could.

For years I only saw myself as “a body”. When I looked in the mirror I could appreciate my shape, but there were so many things I wanted to change when it came to my face. I got into modelling when I turned 18, and that made it even worse after a while. After seeing the photographers photoshop my nose smaller again and again, the complex I already had for my nose grew into a giant monster that was constantly sitting on my shoulders, whispering about how wrong my face was and how I should probably think about doing something about it.

It got to the point where I actually had booked a consultation with a plastic surgeon, but when the day came I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

I was determined to fix it one day though. For years it felt like something I really needed to do sooner or later.

Kids can be so cruel, but often they don’t know the impact their cruelty can have. And I really want to believe that they don’t know that their bullying can change peoples lives for years. The media business is a whole other story for another day.

I feel lucky that I’ve grown to love myself and the way I look. That I’ve learned to appreciate the things that makes me look different. Knowing that I wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone looked exactly the same.

Do I still have moments where I don’t like what I see? Yes, that monster sometimes returns at weak moments and whispers things when I’m having a bad day.

Do I still want to do something about my nose? No, I have no plans of going through with rhinoplasty. This is the nose that my parents gave me, and this is who I’m supposed to be.

Self love is something that’s very important to me, and something that I’ve written and talked about several times. It’s something we all need to practice more and help each other out with. Self love can be a tough exercise, but we all need to do it and do it more often!

I’m currently taking notes for a few self love videos that I’m hoping to make this fall. I’m excited to be working on something that’s so important to me, and I look forward to sharing it with you guys!

Love yourself and share your love!

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Categories: Beauty, I was thinking about, My own writing, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Mourning of Lost Love

A few weeks ago I watched Jason Silva talk about “The Rhapsody and Agony of Love” in this Shots of Awe video, and there was something he said that really stuck with me with me.

“What the fuck do we do? I’m still mourning. I’m still grieving for every love that I lost. How the fuck am I supposed to get over that? I didn’t sign up for these terms!”

Those words kept me up for hours after I should’ve gone to sleep. Anyone who knows me well (or read this blog for that matter) will know that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of love, and the power it has to change lives. I’ve loved and lost, and when it comes to being grateful as well as mourning lost love, I wrote a post about that not so long ago. You can find it here. 

What I haven’t talked about so often, but something that’s been a growing feeling I’ve had for a while now is that of uncertainty when it comes to relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance, and I’m pretty sure I will fall in love again someday. But do I believe in happily ever after in relationships? I’m not so sure.

I’ve frequently been joking around with my friends, telling them that I’ve grown so comfortable with being alone that I fear I’ll never end up living together with someone again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. This is a not a post for me to whine and rant about unavailable love. It’s more about the realisation that the fantasy of the one true love that so many live and breathe, isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. It’s the idea that we might have to rethink the way we see relationships.. It’s the fact that I’ve been through the ups and downs of the wrong relationships, fallen in love with some amazing people that I’ve had to say goodbye to, I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken some along the way. Most of all, it’s the fact that I’m almost thirty years old now, I have a son and don’t want more kids, have no desire to gett married, and I refuse to just settle because “that’s what everyone does”.

I want to be blown away by love, but I’m not looking for perfection. Right now I’m not really looking for anything in particular, but if love should cross my path and swipe me off my feet, then I’m willing to give it a chance. My big heart might be full of cracks and scars, but it’s still open. It’s open for the possibilities of the future. And yet, I’m also slowing coming to terms with the idea that relationships just might not be the thing for me. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take it all as it comes and see what happens.

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London, My Dear London!

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It’s one of the hardest things to watch someone you love hurting. Especially when you know that there’s really not much you can do to make it go away, except for being there and trying to ease the pain.

When the news hit Oslo about the London Bridge terror, I was out having a few drinks with colleagues. At first we didn’t really know what was going on, and we hoped that it wasn’t as bad as we feared. Knowing we couldn’t do anything from the distance away that we were, we tried not to obsess over the news and continue on with our pleasant night out. It is safe to say that it wasn’t an easy task, but we managed to steer the conversation to other subjects and so the night went on. I left central Oslo to go home earlier than I planned. My party spirit had left the building.

Sitting on the bus on my way home, surrounded by drunks and lovers, I started reading the news once again. What met me on the screen made my insides twist and my heart ache.

Oh London, my sweet dear London, haven’t you hurt enough by now? Not only have you been struck several times, but your nearest and dearest that surrounds you was struck as well.

I got home and fell into a restless sleep, but have no recollection of my dreams. Maybe it is just as well.

The next morning I hurried out the door to catch my bus down to my hometown to visit family. I watched the news as I sat there on my way to the people I love. One news reporter after the other talked into their cameras from the same spots, and the blood drained from my face. I knew that spot. Borough Market, why hadn’t I recognised the name the night before? It is right next to the hostel that I stayed in when I traveled to London both in February and when I got stranded because of the British Airways disruption. I walked passed that market several times a day, just under a week before this happened.

“You never know. It could have just as easily have been you.”

My mom said to me as we talked about what had happened. And she was right. We never know when something like this will happen. It could just as easily happen to you or me, as anyone else.

“You shouldn’t go back for a while.”

This is where we disagreed! I will admit that every time something like this happens, I get angry. I get confused by how someone could find it in their hearts to justify something like this. But most of all, I get scared.

No matter how scared though, I will not let them take travelling away from me. I will not let them take London away from me. London has always felt like a home away from home, and I won’t let them take my home away from me.

In times like this, we need to focus on the love and not the hate or the fear. And this is why I promise you, my sweet dear London, that I will be back soon!

I love you London, and even though I’m far away, my heart and thoughts are with you and with everyone else who holds you dear.

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Soul Pampering!

On Sunday Kaya and I had a very lazy start to the day. We sat on her balcony and soaked up the warm and sunny weather that came to Oslo for a short visit. We had coffee, breakfast and long conversations. We also did a bit of pampering with a face mask. It’s nice to treat oneself to a bit of pamper time once in a while. But while I was sitting there with my face covered in a black mask that was drying up and making it hard to talk naturally, it got me thinking.

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So many are constantly trying to make time to pamper and prep our appearances. Face masks, foot masks, pedicures, manicures, hair coloring, waxing and on and on. The amount of time and money that some people put into trying to look their very best is truly fascinating and more than a bit frightening. The idea that drives this (for the most part) seems to be that as long as you can get to where you want to be physically, then you’ll be fine mentally. I call bullshit!

There’s no denying that a lot of what we do physically affects our mind. Workouts, meditations, the food and drinks we consume, the places we travel etc. But these things I would consider as soul pampering. These are things that have direct links to our health and our souls. That french manicure does not, even though it makes your hand look cute and could easily boost a bit of your self-esteem, it doesn’t fix the tremble you might have from anxiety. That new hair color will make you smile a bit more when you look at yourself in the mirror, and bring lots compliments from others, but it will not sort all the chaos that might go on underneath it. That new dress makes you look like a movie star, and maybe he’ll look at you that way you like, but it will not the cure the itch you might feel whenever you’re stressed out of your mind.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t pamper yourself! I do it myself and it feels amazing! I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that working hard to be perfect on the outside is the key to feeling good on the inside.

Stay healthy and mindful. Take time to pamper your soul and listen to your heart. You can even do it while wearing a face mask! Spoil your soul with all the love that it deserves! Confidence and happiness will shine through and be easy to notice.

Take care of yourself mindfully. Anything will look good on a happy soul!

 

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Single with Love!

‘I know you enjoy being single and all, but don’t you miss love?’

She looked at me with judgemental eyes that were way easier to read than she probably wanted them to be.

‘Who says I don’t have love?’

When did not being in a relationship automatically become the same as lonely and without love? Just because I don’t share my rent with another person, suddenly I have no love in my life?

What a load of bullshit!

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and during that period of time I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve shared time and love with both men and women. Some are still in my life and some not. But they all have one thing in common; They’ve added something new to my life. They’ve helped me grow as a person. And through getting to know them, I also got to know myself a little better.

I have people in my life who’ve been there for many years. Friends I can’t even picture my life without. My best friends are my soulmates. The ones that I call when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just to be distracted from my own thoughts. They are part of my roots, and no matter how far my lives branches stretch, they will always be connected to the those exact roots. Sometimes branches snap, but that doesn’t mean that they’re permanently broken. Over time a new branch will grow, and it will take a different shape than it had the last time around, but will still carry forth the most amazing leaves.

Some people didn’t stay around for that long. Some because they didn’t want to. Some because they couldn’t. I still love and miss them all. Because love is so much more than sharing your bed and your bills. Love is about connecting with people. It’s about growth and about being present.

Have I gotten my heart broken? Sure! Many times. Do I still love them? Absolutely!

The love might not be the same as it was, but it still lingers, like a distant memory. Because even if our relationship might change, it still contributed to my life and to the way that I love.

The beauty of cracks in a big heart is that even though it might bleed, the sunshine and warmth have more openings to enter through. I choose to be grateful for the love that I’ve experienced.

We fear the word love for being something that changes everything, but should we?  It’s been a long time since I feared the word love. Maybe I just love differently? Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in love being reserved for “the one”?

I like to say that I have too much love to give, for me to sit around and wait for one recipient. Because it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!

So to all of you wonderful people who’ve made my life to what it is today:

I love you! 

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Categories: I was thinking about, My own writing, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

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