A few weeks ago I watched Jason Silva talk about “The Rhapsody and Agony of Love” in this Shots of Awe video, and there was something he said that really stuck with me with me.
“What the fuck do we do? I’m still mourning. I’m still grieving for every love that I lost. How the fuck am I supposed to get over that? I didn’t sign up for these terms!”
Those words kept me up for hours after I should’ve gone to sleep. Anyone who knows me well (or read this blog for that matter) will know that I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of love, and the power it has to change lives. I’ve loved and lost, and when it comes to being grateful as well as mourning lost love, I wrote a post about that not so long ago. You can find it here.
What I haven’t talked about so often, but something that’s been a growing feeling I’ve had for a while now is that of uncertainty when it comes to relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and romance, and I’m pretty sure I will fall in love again someday. But do I believe in happily ever after in relationships? I’m not so sure.
I’ve frequently been joking around with my friends, telling them that I’ve grown so comfortable with being alone that I fear I’ll never end up living together with someone again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really isn’t. This is a not a post for me to whine and rant about unavailable love. It’s more about the realisation that the fantasy of the one true love that so many live and breathe, isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. It’s the idea that we might have to rethink the way we see relationships.. It’s the fact that I’ve been through the ups and downs of the wrong relationships, fallen in love with some amazing people that I’ve had to say goodbye to, I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken some along the way. Most of all, it’s the fact that I’m almost thirty years old now, I have a son and don’t want more kids, have no desire to gett married, and I refuse to just settle because “that’s what everyone does”.
I want to be blown away by love, but I’m not looking for perfection. Right now I’m not really looking for anything in particular, but if love should cross my path and swipe me off my feet, then I’m willing to give it a chance. My big heart might be full of cracks and scars, but it’s still open. It’s open for the possibilities of the future. And yet, I’m also slowing coming to terms with the idea that relationships just might not be the thing for me. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take it all as it comes and see what happens.